Monday, May 10, 2010

and I, hate everything about you...

I will not apologize but I will warn you. This is a raw, emotional, and honest post.

Yesterday was tough. Tougher than I was expecting. And I now know that I must avoid all blogs and facebook posting on mother's day, cause it just makes for a sad lonely day...for it not only reminds me that I don't have a mother

it also further points out my loneliness and the fact that I am alone, with no man in my life either.

For me, there was no breakfast in bed...unless I wanted to make it.
For me, there was no photos....unless I was taking them
For me, there was no nap...unless I wanted Q to just entertain herself
For me, there was nobody helping with homemade gifts...unless I wanted to make them for myself
For me, there was nobody making sure my day was special....
For me, there was nobody taking off the burdens of every day life
For me, there was nobody reminding Q that today was "mommy's day" and to be nice
For me, there was nobody, but me and Q.

and most days, that is enough for me...but then I read post after post. status after status. about the showering of love, attention, and treasured gifts. About not only the kindness shown by children, but husbands, boyfriends, etc... and I just cry.

I am happy to be a mother and I love Q, but yesterday...mother's day meant nothing to me. It was just like every other day. Same burdens. Same stress. Same jobs of feeding, entertaining, and caring for a child alone. No gifts were given, no kind words from a child or spouse, no special moments, no time-out.

I understand that this is "my fault" or "my choice", however you look at it... but it doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with some days.
It doesn't stop the tears when I can't hold them in any longer.
It doesn't calm me down when I get too stressed about bills, health, food, and childcare.
It doesn't make the loneliness any less real.


Kimmy said...

I've been pondering what to say. I wish I knew how to make it all better!!

I think about you ALL the time. I love you. I feel for you. I'm grateful for you. I miss living close to you. I regret not following through with having Elsie make you a Mother's Day card!

lindsay>boo said...

Wow. I, too, wish I could do something to make it better and wish I could eloquently say something to put you at ease.

We love and adore you---each and every one of us. Hang in there.

Brittany said...

I can't agree more with what you said. I think I can honestly say that I hate mother's day. But what i hate even more are the punk kids that take their mothers for granted and never do anything nice for their moms and just complain about them. I would give anything, literally anything, to have my mom again, and nobody ever realizes how good they have it. I know I don't have very much life experience or really anything to offer, and I know I am kinda ranting, but if you ever need someone to just talk to I hope you know I am here...I really mean that Angie.

Earl Family said...

We love you.

melanie said...

I think of you often and know your struggles are real. Always wishing I could help. Love you Ang!

Alissa Maxwell said...

Hey Angie. This is a little late, but I actually thought about you and my friend Shannon all day on Sunday. Wondering who would honor the single mothers that most need a day to be pampered and celebrated for ALL you do. Hang in there.

Diana Collins said...

I got nothin'. Don't know how you do it Ang.

Just keep on keeping on.

ashleyboice said...

Angie...I am so sorry you were feeling down. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to be a single mom. I don't have something wonderful or insightful to say but I just want to say that I love you...

lysh said...

I love you so much! I know that you feel alone but you aren't. There are so many people that love you and would do anything to help you. I know it isn't the same kind of love or companionship but I hope that you do know that you are loved very much! What can I do? You need a bear hug?! You need a little Lysha time?! Say the word!

Cali said...

I love you cousin. Q is so lucky to have such an amazing woman as her mama. I have been thinking about your mom alot, I think it is the time of year...she would be so proud of you.

Crisdee said...

I hate mother's day... (read as it was grumpy smurf!)
I am not a single mom but my mothers day was just as you described yours... sucks sucks!
oh well, we just gotta remember that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, I guess some day you'll feel appreciated and loved on Mothers day, for a few years unfortunately it will be like that... :( and it will hurt again... but it will change, hopefully we'll feel better when that happens... keera did make me a car at preschool though but we made it late for church, so if the kids sang i don't even knowl.. lol I think my kids behaved worse for me that day than on another day... those are our toddlers lol