yesterday was a horrible day.
I had to leave Nampa, stop vacationing, stop hanging out with Kimmy and the family, and get back to real life.
I got back to my car at the airport and as i was driving around Spokane doing some errands, my engine light came on and my car basically got real sick real fast...who knows how that happened...anyway I spent about 4 hours waiting in the room with my baby as a mechanic got it fixed. They said something about coils, gaskets, spark plugs, and fuel injection but all I heard was it's going to be about 700$...Merry Christmas me!
These things were all bad, but the truth is the day started out with a bad vibe, a dark cloud over my life. 6 months ago yesterday my Mom died. 6 months ago, we sat in the hospital room while they turned off the machines, and we sat in silence and waited for my mother's body to finally lay to rest. I stood by her bedside staring out the window because the pain of looking at her was too much. I stood there wondering how I was going to get through the rest of my life, the majority of my life without my mother, without one of my best friends, without my cheerleader, my caretaker, my shoulder to cry on.
6 months later and the horrible aching pain is still there. I have been lucky to find people in my life to help fill a small portion of the large gap my mom left in my life and in my heart, but the pain is still there. I think about her everyday. There are things I want to tell her, and things I want her to tell me. Sometimes they are stupid things like...Tell me again how you make that yummy sausage gravy? I look at my baby girl everyday and wish my mom was here to see her, to see me as a mom and tell me if I am doing okay. I just miss her. I look at the board we have of pictures of her and I see her with all the other grandchildren, and it makes me sad that I won't have a picture of her holding, snuggling, or kissing my little girl.
6 months later. and it still feels like that cold, rainy, day when my mom died.