Wednesday, December 3, 2008

every breath i take i'll be missing you...

yesterday was a horrible day.

I had to leave Nampa, stop vacationing, stop hanging out with Kimmy and the family, and get back to real life.

I got back to my car at the airport and as i was driving around Spokane doing some errands, my engine light came on and my car basically got real sick real fast...who knows how that happened...anyway I spent about 4 hours waiting in the room with my baby as a mechanic got it fixed. They said something about coils, gaskets, spark plugs, and fuel injection but all I heard was it's going to be about 700$...Merry Christmas me!

These things were all bad, but the truth is the day started out with a bad vibe, a dark cloud over my life. 6 months ago yesterday my Mom died. 6 months ago, we sat in the hospital room while they turned off the machines, and we sat in silence and waited for my mother's body to finally lay to rest. I stood by her bedside staring out the window because the pain of looking at her was too much. I stood there wondering how I was going to get through the rest of my life, the majority of my life without my mother, without one of my best friends, without my cheerleader, my caretaker, my shoulder to cry on.

6 months later and the horrible aching pain is still there. I have been lucky to find people in my life to help fill a small portion of the large gap my mom left in my life and in my heart, but the pain is still there. I think about her everyday. There are things I want to tell her, and things I want her to tell me. Sometimes they are stupid things like...Tell me again how you make that yummy sausage gravy? I look at my baby girl everyday and wish my mom was here to see her, to see me as a mom and tell me if I am doing okay. I just miss her. I look at the board we have of pictures of her and I see her with all the other grandchildren, and it makes me sad that I won't have a picture of her holding, snuggling, or kissing my little girl.

6 months later. and it still feels like that cold, rainy, day when my mom died.

14 comments:

lindsay>boo said...

I'm so sorry for your rotten day, Angie. That is terrible about your car.

The holidays are so hard without Tami. She loved holidays and being surrounded by her family so much.

I do know this much though--You are doing a great job with Qiana. She would be so proud of you! In fact, Tami has said herself on several occasions, "I can't wait for Angie to have children someday. She's very nurturing and has so much love to give." I'm sure she's looking down on you and Qiana and saying to anyone who will listen, "Ah, I wish I could just get my hands on that sweet girl."

I know you know how much our family loves you. Just remember that we are here for you...and please take us up on that...whether it's to come over to hang out or if you need help with anything.

Love you. Take care.

lindsay>boo said...

Oh, and one more thing:

Jared was really sad yesterday too. In fact, he was so sad that Kaiya during family prayer said, "Please bless Daddy that he won't have the blues anymore."

Em K DUB said...

I'm sorry you're sad too, but for what it's worth everyday I see you in your new Mommy role, I think man I bet Tami's really proud of her!

I love you lots and I admire your ability to focus on others even when you are upset yourself!

Colleen said...

I know your mom would be, and is, proud of you and little Qiana. I know that doesn't fill any of the gap, but I know she is seeing you every day, being an awesome mommy yourself. My heart is aching for you....

Annie said...

Angie, I am so sad for you and your family, knowing that you are spending the holidays without your mom. For what it's worth, it looks like you are doing a great job with your baby- she looks very happy.

Samantha said...

Oh Angie that hurts my heart. I'm sorry and I love you.

dirty>south said...

Your mother skills are crunk. We all love you, and you know mom was rockin' some major pirate eye looking down on us.

mumovearls said...

Angie, my heat is heavy... We pray for you, If there is anything that we can do... You know we are here.-Nena

Kimmy said...

I got home super late last night from a YW meeting and read your blog before I went to bed. It was dark out here in the family room and I just sat and cried. You always put into words exactly what I'm feeling too.

You are such a good mom and I know mom is proud of you.

Earl Family said...

We love you. Chin up little girl.

Tom Earl said...

I think about her everyday - I know that she is proud of you!

Anonymous said...

Ang- Glad to hear things worked out alright with your car. Sorry it was an expensive working out.
~Mindi

mumovearls said...

I rarely comment, but I feel this post deserves, or better said aches for one. I, like yourself, was not ready for the terrible twist that was sent in June, and what hurt so much was that there was so much I should have said to your mom that I didn't. So, I will say them to you. One, I love her like a mother. She was there all through my "growing-up" days and was, had a major influence in my life, as did you and your siblings. I should have, wish I could have told her that. I wish I could have told her how much fun she was, how much fun I had with her. I know she tried to 'zing' me, but I needed it. She was my humble pie. Now, I am telling you, because I believe you are so much like her. It doesn't justify my fault of expression. But, in some small way it gives me hope. It pains me that she is not here, but I am grateful that you are, and that you have stepped into this mighty, most important role as a mother--just like your mother would have done.
I love you.
Your Cousin Ryan

ashleyboice said...

Ang...I love you. I see your mother in you in every post.

Man that post really had me crying and I can really feel the love all of the people that commented have for you.