I know sometimes it can be a little awkward when someone posts an "emotional" blog, so here's a warning that this is one of those blogs. So feel free to skip it, or not comment at the end...I totally understand. They say confession is good for the soul, and I feel like I need to get something out of my head, so that I can start to move on.
I've been having a lot of bad dreams and bad feelings lately, in regards to my mother, and I don't know how to make them stop.
I've had nightmares about every night, and I'll save you the details but they all come down to these questions...
did we kill our mother? could she have gotten better and we gave up on her too quickly?
I am haunted by these thoughts, and I don't think people could possibly understand the feelings unless they have been there. I can try to tell myself that she was gone, and that us turning off the machines was just a formality, but I still can't help thinking that we are responsible for my mother not being here. That are actions directly resulted in my mother passing away. How do you get over that? How do I forgive myself for giving up her?
Along with these thoughts of sadness comes anger towards her. anger for getting herself in that position in the first place. anger towards her for not realizing what a good life she had and constantly searching for something to make her happy. I don't understand why she didn't see the good things she had in her life, and let that be enough. Why didn't she see that her children and her grandchildren loved her, and NEEDED her around. I feel angry that her kids and grandchildren weren't enough for her. that I WASN'T enough to make her happy.
along with being angry at my mother, and I am angry at myself. I am not one that feels "guilt" very easily but I have a lot of guilt when it comes to my mother.
Guilty for a missed opportunity to show her I loved her: As she left the office that Friday morning to go to the hospital she asked me for a hug, and because everyone was looking and I was too proud...I refused. and although I later joined her at the hospital and kept her company before her surgery, telling her I loved her, and hung out with her post-op, I will never forget that the last time I stood side by side with my mother I refused her a hug.
Guilty that I wasn't there: What kind of daughter leaves on vacation while her mother in recuperating in the hospital. Does that fact that she wanted me to go make it any better? How do I get over the fact that I wasn't there when my mother needed me the most? While my mother was dying I wasn't by her side, instead I was driving in a car, wanting nothing more than to be home. To be with my mommy.