Monday, March 23, 2009

welcome to my nightmare...

I know sometimes it can be a little awkward when someone posts an "emotional" blog, so here's a warning that this is one of those blogs. So feel free to skip it, or not comment at the end...I totally understand. They say confession is good for the soul, and I feel like I need to get something out of my head, so that I can start to move on.

I've been having a lot of bad dreams and bad feelings lately, in regards to my mother, and I don't know how to make them stop.

I've had nightmares about every night, and I'll save you the details but they all come down to these questions...
did we kill our mother? could she have gotten better and we gave up on her too quickly?

I am haunted by these thoughts, and I don't think people could possibly understand the feelings unless they have been there. I can try to tell myself that she was gone, and that us turning off the machines was just a formality, but I still can't help thinking that we are responsible for my mother not being here. That are actions directly resulted in my mother passing away. How do you get over that? How do I forgive myself for giving up her?

Along with these thoughts of sadness comes anger towards her. anger for getting herself in that position in the first place. anger towards her for not realizing what a good life she had and constantly searching for something to make her happy. I don't understand why she didn't see the good things she had in her life, and let that be enough. Why didn't she see that her children and her grandchildren loved her, and NEEDED her around. I feel angry that her kids and grandchildren weren't enough for her. that I WASN'T enough to make her happy.

along with being angry at my mother, and I am angry at myself. I am not one that feels "guilt" very easily but I have a lot of guilt when it comes to my mother.

Guilty for a missed opportunity to show her I loved her: As she left the office that Friday morning to go to the hospital she asked me for a hug, and because everyone was looking and I was too proud...I refused. and although I later joined her at the hospital and kept her company before her surgery, telling her I loved her, and hung out with her post-op, I will never forget that the last time I stood side by side with my mother I refused her a hug.

Guilty that I wasn't there: What kind of daughter leaves on vacation while her mother in recuperating in the hospital. Does that fact that she wanted me to go make it any better? How do I get over the fact that I wasn't there when my mother needed me the most? While my mother was dying I wasn't by her side, instead I was driving in a car, wanting nothing more than to be home. To be with my mommy.

16 comments:

Kimmy said...

You are not weird or wrong for feeling these things. I really do understand how you are feeling and have MANY of the same feelings. I still recount the morning I found her and think of all the things I wish I could've done differently.

Mom loved us all. She loved you very much and would be so proud of all that you've done as a mother.

Like you said, maybe you just need to get it out there and work through it a little. Who knows if the feelings, the regrets, whatever, will ever do away, but I think we can come to terms with it through time.

Love ya!

(I'm still just hoping mom doesn't come back to life and get mad at us for selling all her stuff...that's been one of my recurring dreams!)

efuhriman said...

Angie, Sorry to read about all of the heart ache your going through right know. Feelings of guilt is a normal reaction to some one we love passing away. It will get easier. If you ever want to talk feel free to give me a call. I feel guilt all the time about our son passing even though I know there was nothing else we could have done for him. Tracy Fuhriman

Alissa Maxwell said...

I think all these feelings just show how much you love her and were really doing your best to care for her. The alternative would be to never feel any remorse or guilt or loss. And losing her was a LOSS, so you should feel it. Hang in there.

Tom Earl said...

Angie - I love you and your mother loves and adores you. I can assure you that she is watching over you and is proud of you! You and I are going to have a visit....

lindsay>boo said...

Angie,

I'm so sorry to hear all that you've been thinking/feeling lately. That day we turned off her machines was really the most horrific day ever. I can't say I know completely how you feel, but I do know that I have some of those same feelings. Tami was such a wonderful person and was really like a mother to me in so many aspects. There are so many times I wish I could go back and say/do things differently.

That being said, I know that Tami loved you kids so much and she was so fulfilled with her role as mother. I personally think that the best way to honor Tami is to take and emulate all the best from her. She was such a kind, loving, fun, nurturing person and mother. I see the way you are with Qiana and let me tell you, you are a wonderful mother. I know your mother is just so proud of the way you and Kim are with your girls.

I could probably go on and on, but I know you are just feeling a huge hole right now. I'm glad you were able to put this out there and share though. I think this is a great part of the healing process.

Love ya and take care.

Andrea said...

I'm going to say some of the same things, but they are true. What you are feeling is normal and part of the process and I get it. I lost my dad 3 weeks before I got married and had talked to him the last time 2 days before (on my 20th birthday). I was angry with him for a long time and with me too. I was angry because my birthday will forever be partly a sad day, I was angry he didn't hold on long enough to meet his grandbabies. And I was angry with me too because I chose to use what little money we (Michael & I) to put toward our new life instead of going back home to Maine for services.

There are so many reasons to be angry and it is good because the anger can keep us focused on holding things together. There will be a time when the anger will fade and there will be room for more good feelings and memories than bad. It will take time.

Lots of love and hugs.

Stephanie Kay Moore said...

Angie, I wish I could bring you words of comfort.

I'm always on the other side. I'm always the nurse with my own opinion while the family has to bear the weight of letting go. For me it's usually over in a shift. For them it's never over.

But Angie I can tell you in all honesty that as I have had to be there to answer the questions of the family who may be letting go and turning things off... I've felt guided. We often say, "She's not there anymore," because we can feel their presence as we care for them every hour. If we don't feel that we look at the statistics and know that they'llnever turn around and have the same quality of life.

I've had to see the family let go and the family that's held on so many times. For the family that has held on it's never the same, but further draining (physically and emotionally) as they wait around for a miracle. Again, the ill person has never been what they were.

Is it easier to remember the best and be at peace at their lack of suffering?

Or easier to never let go, all the while they don't return to the same quality of life... some have different personalities, can't walk, can't speak, return to the hospital with complications from their inability to fully recover.

I have always told Kritt that if I cannot return to the same quality of life that I had, let me go. I say that because I see both sides every day.

You cannot change what has happened, but I offer you my support in the most difficult decision you have had to make. I think you're mom is grateful so that she can watch over you and guide you, rather then depend on you and wish things could be different.

Remember her. Hold onto that.

Forgive yourself and free yourself of needless guilt. You're mom isso much more aware now than she ever was... make up for it in how you live today.

My prayers are with you.

Stephanie

Cali said...

I love you Angie. I love your family. I love my aunt. I'm so sorry to see you hurting.

melanie said...

Oh Ang, my heart is breaking for you. I know your mom loves you. All she ever talked about was her kids (each one of you), all of it positive. Every time she was here. I can't even imagine how much it hurts to have the guilt/anger take hold on you. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Love you.

Douglas and Connie Jones Earl said...

We love you dear. Tami loved you too. You are right about this whole thing concerning not being happy with where we are at and what we do have. She had a ton of good with you, Kimmy, Jared, Mitch and those wonderful grandchildren.

Jill said...

I think what you are feeling is valid and normal. There are so many things that looking back you can second guess and wish went differently. I still get those feelings occasionally about my dad, regret, guilt, frustration, sadness. Over the years they are fewer and farther apart, but still there.

The best thing I have found is not holding it all inside. Getting things out and letting trusted people know your feelings on it can be good. It's still so recent and raw, and I know as the time she died approaches feelings get stronger. Hang in there Angie, my thought and prayers are with you.

Samantha said...

I love you Angie. And I love your mom and your whole family. I'm so sorry.

Myca said...

I wish I was there to give you a big hug Angie. We love you and I know your mom would be so proud of the person that you are and the amazing mother you have become. Hang in there girl.

Myca said...

I wish I was there to give you a big hug Angie. We love you and I know your mom would be so proud of the person that you are and the amazing mother you have become. Hang in there girl.

Larry and Janice said...

Angie -
My heart's so full and I'm sure you must feel the love so many have for you and your family. There's no way to minimize the grieving but please know you're loved and foremost by your mom. All the years I've known Tami (since you were about 3!) you kids have always been her greatest joy and I know still continue to be. That's something any mom never takes for granted, and she knew she was blessed to have you all as her children AND as her best friends. Not every mom has that same blessing but your mom certainly did. Best thing is that we know that despite this separation, your relationships are eternal and you've got a great one. Hugs and much love - - Janice

Sheila said...

My dear Angie, your mother adored you. She adored all of her children. And she knows you love her; I have no doubt about that. Please be gentle with yourself, and don't beat yourself up about things in the past. I'm sure Tami would only want you to remember the many, many wonderful, loving times you all had together. She would want you to remember that love is what binds you and that nothing - nothing - will ever take that away. This separation is only for a season, and your angel mother is tenderly watching over you and wanting you to be happy. May God bless you and comfort you.