Thursday, March 11, 2010

I just wanna be... successful...

Mind Flush...

I sometimes lay awake at night, for hours, thinking of how to escape my house, with my child, if something bad happened (fire, break-in, etc.). I have come up with many different scenarios, but fear that none of them will work and someone will get hurt. This haunts me.

I have a hard time being really happy for people in love. I know this is selfish.

Sometimes in that quietness of the evening that comes after Q has gone to bed, and I sit alone, I wonder...is this it?

I am so frustrated with my younger self and her obsession with how people viewed her. I wish she had been more free and comfortable with who she was. My present self has embraced her individuality.

I have two recurring dreams: 1) that I am back in high school and can't remember my locker combination...and 2) I'm in college, it's the end of the semester, and I realize that I had a class that I never attended. What do these mean?

I wish I lived in a bigger city so I could take some classes... maybe cooking, maybe painting, maybe dancing, maybe cake decorating. I feel so stagnant and need to learn a new skill.

I think it would be so cool to go Skydiving, but I think my fear of heights could prevent me from ever embracing this experience.

Sometimes, in the mornings, when I go to get Q, I brace myself for something terrible.

Is it ever too late in life, and situation, to make a career change?

I wish I had better luck so I could play the lottery. I don't need to be rich, but "comfortable" would be nice.

7 comments:

lindsay>boo said...

It's funny, I could totally relate to many of those thoughts.

I have those thoughts about how to escape my house during a fire or break-in. It's kinda nice knowing other people do too. Mine involves finally buying one of those ladders you can hook on the windowsill....what's yours involve?

I think many people, women especially, wish that they would have known what they know now at a much younger age. It takes a long time to finally come into your own and embrace who you are, I think.

I agree about being able to take classes. It's hard sometimes between raising kids {and work for you} and all the other responsibilities of being an adult, to find time to branch out and learn new things. I have great intentions, but then the end of the day rolls around and I'm just tired...and I want to sit...and maybe watch a little mindless entertainment on TV. You're right though, they don't have classes like that in town. Maybe you could find someone in town to teach you some of those things?

And no, I don't think it's ever too late in life or situation, to make a career change. Sure, if you compare certain situations to others or compare going to school later vs. earlier, it may be harder, but doesn't make it too late. It probably makes the career much sweeter once you've made the change because of all the hard work done along the way.

Kimmy said...

You are not alone in so many of these thoughts and feelings. It's weird how life can be so great, fun and rewarding one minute and then so hard, frustrating, boring, etc the next. It's hard to get a real handle on everything.

I don't ever think about how I would escape my house in scary situations. I don't think that's a good thing. I lay awake at night thinking about how I'm not getting to sleep. I should be more productive in my worrying!

You don't need to take cake decorating classes! Did you forget about our awesome cake we made?! One class down.

I truthfully believe it is never too late to make a change, career or whatever. I've already bugged you enough about what I think you should do, so I won't tell you again that I think you would make an awesome teacher!

Love you! Hope you have a fun weekend!

dirty>south said...

Like the Drake reference in the blog title.

I have the exact same dreams about college, but sometimes I don't think they were dreams because I'll look at my old report cards and see classes that I have absolutely no memory of.

Plus, there actually were quite a few classes at BYU that i never went to unless there was a test so yeah now that I think about it those weren't dreams at all.

Lizzie Ann said...

Funny because I have the same recurring dream about college. I have to take the final exam and haven't even been to class once, and totally forgot that I signed up for it.
I think about the getting out thing too. And my husband must think about it too because every time I lock the door at night he says things like, what if there is a fire and our kids can't get out. (like they can't just unlock the door... they are 5 and 3 and fully know how to do that)
Never too late to make a change. You gotta do what you love. It may be hard in the short term, but long term you will be so much happier.

lysh said...

I know what you mean about wanting to take classes or learn something new. I guess that's why my new year's resolution is always to learn to play the guitar and to learn spanish...then it never happens. Who am I kidding, I can't teach myself something I don't know how to do.

I know that you can do something career wise if you want any time in life. Sometimes when I'm hating my schedule at work I think about going back to school to be a nurse or something. It wouldn't be as easy as the first time around but I'm sure you would find a lot of people willing to help you accomplish anything you want to do.

Jill said...

It's never too late to change. I often want to take classes, I have come to the conclusion that when the time is right, there will be time. And if you want to go Skydiving, I will totally go with you. I have wanted to go for a long time.

I think the dreams and the thinking of how to escape is just anxiety about being prepared for the unknown.

auntiescary said...

I have had the college dream too. I wake up wondering who knows about it, what they'll do about it and how can it affect my life at this stage of the game. leaves me a little anxious but then...they can't take my birthday! it is ABSOLUTELY NEVER too late I went back to school for graphics at age 32, didn't get married til 38 by choice (I can hear all those horrified LDS gasps! sorry kids!)and am, even as I'm writing this, supposed to be filling out an online application to become a Guardian Ad Litem in the MN Judicial system. We grow Ang, we change, what was good for us before may not be now. In reality I don't think alot of us ever really know what we want to be when we grow up. I started at age 5 wanting to be a bird - I still can't fly.. I LOVE you girl. Give yourself some space, think about how you can apply all that you're good at, everything you've experienced, everything you love and what you'd really like to do right now at this point of who you are and make steps toward it... you don't have to leap... dreams about how to get out -- you're feeling trapped... hey I just remembered that crazy lady on tv in Seattle in the 80's who had a show about the Soaps, & hair & clothes & ...well I still haven't gotten that good gig yet either.